


Pillow

by ThatMasterOnline



Category: Far Cry 4
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-12
Updated: 2017-11-12
Packaged: 2019-02-01 09:09:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,690
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12701775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatMasterOnline/pseuds/ThatMasterOnline
Summary: Ajay is safe from De Pleur, but not his own mind.





	Pillow

“We’ll stop here for the night,” I say, and I don’t miss Ajay’s carefully veiled sigh of relief as he tries to put down his backpack nonchalantly. As though I hadn’t noticed how exhausted he was from the day's events, how he was panting and struggling to keep up, and the way he’d gone quiet just over an hour ago. He’d killed people today, a lot of people. I’d asked if he was alright on multiple occasions, but his stubborn pride kept him from saying anything. 

“Here, Ajay,” Manjeet says, as we all find a comfortable spot on the ground, “There’s an extra pillow for you. I’ll be taking first watch, so I won’t need it, and I can use Sabal’s when I wake him for his watch.”

“Thanks,” he says quietly, and I know he just wants to close his eyes and fall asleep. Manjeet takes his position with his back leaning against a nearby tree stump, and Ajay settles next to him, not interested in the dull nighttime chatter, only in sleep. He’s snoring quietly even before some of them can finish their conversations. I know what they’re all thinking, but they hold their tongues, and nobody comments aloud on Ajay’s fatigue. That’s for my sake, and not for the first time I’m glad that I have that kind of place with my people. They consider my feelings before they speak and act. They’re all my friends, and the bond we share truly is a special one. I hope, in the time Ajay spends here, that he will come to develop this bond as well. With me, at the very least. The son of Mohan doesn’t deserve to feel alienated and alone. Murmuring my goodnights to those around me, I settle at my end of the clearing and let myself fall asleep.

***

“Sabal...Sabal, it’s your watch.” I groan quietly as I sit up, spotting Ajay still asleep by the tree trunk. 

“All quiet?” 

“All quiet.”

“And Ajay?”

“He’s cold, and restless, but at least he’s still asleep.” I nod. I can tell Ajay is restless; in the short time Manjeet and I have been talking, he’s rolled from one side to the other, onto his back, and then back to the side he started on. He huffs in his sleep and rolls over again, trying to find a comfortable spot, and then shivers. 

“Alright. Good work, Manjeet. Get some rest. I’ll have Achal take next watch.” He nods, curling up on the ground with a yawn, and I take my spot by the tree trunk. I find myself frustrated that I can’t start a fire to help keep Ajay warm, but it’s too dangerous. We could be spotted, and a cold Ajay is better than a wounded or dead one. I stretch my legs out, scanning the trees and listening for any sign of movement. Ajay shifts again beside me, breaking my concentration for a moment before I’m back to listening outside our little clearing. 

Suddenly I feel something slide across my legs. At first I think it’s an insect, but when I look down to brush it off, I see it’s Ajay’s hand, having been thrown over my legs in an attempt to get comfortable. I smile a little, but leave Ajay be. He’s clearly uncomfortable, I’m not about to disturb whatever rest he may be getting to ask him to move. I go back to my watch. Something skitters in the bush, but it’s only a rabbit. I keep my hand near my gun, though. Smaller animals are often followed by their larger predators. This time there’s nothing, and after a few minutes I relax, resuming my scanning of the woods. Ajay’s hand twitches against my leg. I ignore it, until the motion is followed by Ajay’s hand clenching in my jeans, pulling himself up fully to rest his head in my lap. He shifts again, his head nuzzling uncomfortably close to my crotch. I feel myself twitch in interest, but I forcefully shove the feeling down. Now I look down at Ajay, who has wrapped his arms fully around my legs and is resting his head in my lap. He shifts again, and I force down another interested twitch. Should I wake him? After a third nuzzle (dammit, I’m going to be hard if this keeps up) he stills, sighing deeply and relaxing in my lap, his hands squeezing me like a beloved teddy bear. I decide that unless my curious member develops into a problem, I’ll let him sleep. He looks content, finally, and that means a lot to me. Ajay is lost, I know that, and I know how much a good night’s sleep is for gaining clarity. I want him to sleep well, so he can process everything better.

With Ajay settled finally (and my member settling with him, thank Kyra), I resume scanning the woods. They’re still as dark and silent as ever, and I pray to Kyra that they stay that way. After the day I’ve been through rescuing Ajay from De Pleur, and the day Ajay’s been through, we both need peace. My mind wanders then. Ajay had been Pagan’s captive. When I found him, he was outside the glass looking to Darpan’s unconscious body. Kyra only knows what other hells he saw while with Pagan, and I wonder if that isn’t part of the silence from today. He’s killed people, but he saw whatever it was he saw while with Pagan. Pagan himself is a terrifying individual, it could very well be that being in Pagan’s mere presence has scared him into this near-catatonia. It could have been something Pagan said...no, killing people is not the only thing bothering Ajay, and I make a point to at least ask about it tomorrow. If he's not ready to talk, that’s one thing, but I need to ask.

Just then, while I’m pondering how deeply Ajay has been affected by today, he shifts. His fingers clench in my pants and he buries his face in my crotch again. I don’t twitch this time, because I notice he looks distressed, like he’s having a nightmare.

“Please…” He whimpers, “Please, I’m sorry…” He starts to tremble, and I place a hand on his head.

“Ajay,” I whisper, “Ajay, relax, you’re alright, I’m here.” 

“I’m sorry…!” He whimpers again, and I can honestly say I’ve seen people I’ve interrogated look less hopeless. “Please, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to…” Ajay visibly flinches, and I get the distinct impression that he’s being scolded.

“That wasn’t my fault…” he whimpers, and I see his face scrunch up like he’s fighting back tears. He grips my jeans tighter, shaking his head back and forth.

“No, please…I didn’t mean to, it wasn’t my fault!” I scratch his scalp, wrapping my arms around him as best I can and making soothing sounds. Ajay’s voice is getting louder and more distressed, and while I’m concerned for him I’m also concerned that he might alert any royal army that may be nearby.

“Shh, Ajay, Shh...It wasn’t your fault, Shh...Shh…” It doesn’t help as much as I hoped it would, but it helps enough. When he wakes, it’s with a gasp and not a scream.

“Ajay, shh, you’re alright.” He looks up at me, eyes wide, and then slowly comes to the realization that his hands are pressing into my thighs.

“S-Sabal. Uh…”

“Don’t worry about it, brother,” I whisper, “Are you alright?”

“Huh? Uh, yeah. I just...had a nightmare…”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“Uh...not...not really…” He swallows, and I let the matter rest.

“Of course. There’s some water over by Dishant, on the left, if you’d like some. Besides, stretching your legs makes sure you fully shake the dream off before you go back to sleep.” Ajay nods, standing to go get the water, and I take a moment to stand myself. My legs were going a little numb with Ajay clinging to them. Normally during watch I get up and stretch. Not being able to do that was difficult. He was comfortable, though, which means I intend to let him sleep on my lap again, if his pride allows it. Even if it doesn’t, I’m betting he’ll find his way back while he sleeps.

Ajay comes back, sitting down next to me and drinking the water.

“What time is it?” he asks.

“Shortly after two in the morning.” Ajay groans, rubbing his eyes, and I smile.

“Go back to sleep, Ajay. You need it. And, if you were comfortable where you were, you’re more than welcome to use me as a pillow if you’d like.” Ajay flushes, and it’s utterly adorable.

“Uh, no, that’s fine, I don’t want to make this weird for you…”

“It’s not weird. I know you’re...disturbed, by today’s events, and I want to help make you as comfortable as I can.” Ajay scoffs.

“Disturbed, sure. Are you trying to put it politely?” I sigh.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Ajay sighs, and there’s a silence.

“...He knows me. Pagan. Or rather, I think he knew my mom. He...told his soldiers to stop the bus. When he saw they shot at it...he lost it. Stabbed one of his soldiers with a pen. He was just so...cold, when he spoke. I knew what was coming, I could see it a mile away. When he looked at me, I thought I was going to get the same thing, but then he picked me up and...hugged me. ‘I’d recognize those eyes anywhere’, he said. And then he kidnapped Darpan and I, and...Talking fondly about my mom while he was eating her ashes, Jesus Christ...And then he stabbed Darpan with a fork, made him cry for help...and…He sent Darpan off to be tortured, and then...and then he tells me to stay and enjoy the crab rangoon, like I was actually going to stay and wait for him?!” He sighs heavily.

“I should have stayed. I don’t mean to...to...to disrespect the fact that you saved me, but..he contacted me, while I was heading to the tower. Said it was no big deal that I hadn’t stayed. Said he had the chef killed for his incompetence. Or his family. God, he couldn’t even remember…!” Ajay buries his face in his hands, and I curse Pagan more than I do every day. The weight of the guilt Ajay must be carrying for the chef or his family, or both...I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight.

“It wasn’t your fault, Ajay. Pagan is insane, nothing he does is your fault.” Ajay carries on like he hadn’t heard me.

“And then, after being all...warm and fatherly, he sends his soldiers to kill me! And I...I know they were just taunting me, but the things they said, I just can’t get them out of my head...And I killed people, Sabal. With my own two hands. I-I stabbed them, and I shot them, and I threw bait knowing they’d get mauled by wild animals...Some of them I...I-I felt...I f-felt them...die…” He’s shaking with his sobs now, and I hold him all the tighter for it.

“And, god, I’m such a hypocrite! I...I was...involved in a robbery, in America, when I was younger...It-it wasn’t supposed to be anything, but one of the guys, he brought a gun...And then when things went sour, he...I panicked, I didn’t know what to do, it wasn’t supposed to…” He sniffs, collecting himself.

“I...I turned myself in, plead guilty, made a deal...I gave their names in exchange for no jail time...I sent him to jail...He only killed one person, and look at me now! Sitting on my high horse like it was the right thing to do when I’d grow up to be a bigger murderer than him...Fuck…God, mom would be so disappointed in me...I was trying to turn my life around, dammit!” 

“Shh…” I really have no idea what to say. Ajay was already burdened with guilt before coming here, and now Pagan has made it worse, forcing him to kill to survive. He’s seen death, and he wants no part of it. I’d hoped to convince him to join the Golden Path, but...that may take a little more persuasion than I had expected. 

“If your hands are bloody, then mine are permanently stained red. As are the hands of everyone here. Nobody will fault you for doing what you needed to do to survive. You heard the things they taunted you with, it was you or them. It’s hard, but...there is no other option, and I know you don’t want to hear this right now, but you deserve your life so much more than they do.” Ajay doesn’t look or sound comforted by this, but I hadn't expected him to be. I hold him until his sobs quiet, a solid twenty minutes of rocking and shushing and massaging his scalp. He enjoys the feeling, leans into my fingers, and I keep up the massage well after Ajay’s tears have stopped and he’s slipping farther towards sleep with every passing second.

“Lay your head in my lap, Ajay. It’ll help you relax, I know it will…” He's much more willing this time, laying down without argument.

“When I was young...I didn’t have very many friends...I used to joke that not even a body pillow would want to be my friend...so one Christmas there’s this giant body pillow under the tree that mom hadn’t even bothered trying to wrap. I loved it, slept with it every single day for years, until it got old and had to be tossed out. I still have a body pillow in my closet, for nights when thinking about...the robbery...keeps me up. I think...your legs...it was like having my body pillow, and I...really need that right now…” He's curled up against my legs again, and I sigh, resuming my massage to his scalp.  
He hums contentedly, and his eyes flutter closed. I want to wish him goodnight but I don’t. Talking further would only wake him up. I’m right, a few minutes later he’s fast asleep, and I pray to Kyra to let him float in kinder dreams this time. I check my  
watch again. Just about time for Achal’s watch. 

“Achal. Achal, it’s your watch.” 

“Sure, sure…” He gets up and goes to take my spot at the tree trunk, but stops when he sees Ajay.

“Apparently Ajay decided I’m more comfortable than the ground,” I whisper, letting a relaxed smile creep onto my face. Ajay wouldn’t want everyone to know what we spoke about, or even that we spoke at all.

“Damn, if that was a possibility, I’d have slept on your legs ages ago. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“Sorry, son of Mohan only,” I quip, and watch him roll his eyes.

“Soon you’ll be sucking him off to help him get to sleep,” he says, his usual vulgarity coming through, and I roll my eyes, trying not to let it show that I’m hopeful pleasuring Ajay will indeed be a part of my future. 

“You’re too vulgar for your own good, Achal. Banashur will cut out your tongue while you sleep.” He grins, patting me on the shoulder.

“Get some sleep, Sabal. We still have half a day’s trek to Banapur, you know.” I nod, closing my eyes and leaning back against the tree trunk. I want desperately to tangle my fingers back in Ajay hair and to know I’m comforting him, but I can’t. I know we’re being watched. 

The next day, the men are all joking about how Ajay and I were sleeping together “for warmth”, and it gets old quickly, but I have other things on my mind. The timid smiles only I see that tell me Ajay wouldn’t be opposed to “sharing body heat” again capture my attention...and my heart.


End file.
